“From the guy at fourfinelads.com

Sent: Tuesday, February 13, 2001 3:14 PM
Subject: Fwd: Virus Warning – Pete Sampras Photo!

If you receive an e-mail containing a photo of tennis star Pete Sampras, DO NOT OPEN IT!!!!!!! The body of the e-mail describes the picture as follows: “You will surely enjoy the sinewy Mister Sampras as he volleys for all he is worth please.”

Well, I opened it, because after all, the man set the record for Grand Slam titles with his 13th overall at Wimbledon. And while I’m not gay, I can appreciate the well-developed man-form — I mean, what’s wrong with that? If you’re fit, you’re fit, so why not admire it?

ANYWAY, once I opened it, the photo of Mister Sampras in mid-lob began to burrow into my head, into places I never knew existed (nor dared to dream). I felt a surge of giddy confidence, as if Mister Sampras himself were tickling my cerebellum with the end of his tongue.

The picture said, “Save me as your wallpaper,” which I did, then it said “your fingers are nasty, so nasty. Tape them up.” So I bound my hands tightly with duct tape so I never have to see my nasty, nasty fingers again. I am typing this by means of two pencils shoved into the ends of the horrible tape-claws that hang useless from the ends of my arms.

Please forward this warning on to those you care about.”